Pain

I see my life unfolding before me, and the picture isn't how i had imagined. The things i felt and experienced in high school are not the things i expected to happen in college, but it seems, that the things that happened werent a result of the environment i was in...but rather, who i am inside of it, The downsides of high school in which i had hoped to escaped, are as it seems, inescapable. and its teaching me that the world. And it seems to me pushing me to a place that i dont want to go... It pushes at things that i thought were almost entirely secure, and it pushes at the very heartstrings of who i am...I know that college life changes people, but i don't want to change in the ways that it is trying to augment me..I dont want to not care, i dont want to not feel, or not be sweet..I don't want to make my life just about going from one party to the next, about having the next shot, or the most games of beer pong in one night..I want to be me..but it seems like the world doesn't want to accept it..And it hurts to think about, because ive been told my whole life, that this was who i needed to be, who i should be, but the world is telling me that i'll always have it harder, more difficult, more painful, because i am the way i am..because i care, because i feel...and i just cant believe it.. I can't accept that i was set up to fail! i refuse to believe that i was a creation of something never acceptable in society! and i refuse to believe, that i was made this way, just so i can have a harder life, a more painful life...i can't believe it...i wont believe it, and i'll prove that it wont be as the world says....I'll find the way...i just have to....i just...have..to...

Changes

In all that has changed since my last post, life, college, trips across the country...i wonder where i stand. How has all of these events changed me? Have they been good, bad, or ugly. I've lost alot in the past year, things important, things not, people, and events that could have been great, but for whatever reason, i took the chances i had and squandered them. On the other side, i have gained alot..ive gained family, one in which i never dreamed of, ive been across the country, saw things ive only dreamed of, and somethings that no amount of miles could ever reach. I saw inside myself, and saw what my actions had done to me, and others..

Our lives are something that is so radical, that in the end, nothing ever makes sense. We get things we dont expect, and seldom get things just the way we want. Life hurts..worse than anything..and it feels better than everything.. its just so hard...We come down on ourselves so much just to try and justify the misgivings that we feel life has given us. I dont have the answer..nor do i think anyone ever will..but i'll keep trying, because somehow, i'll always keep believing that things will get better, that things must get better, that it cant be just what is laid out before me...it cant be just what hurts...it can't be what bad things ive done...I don't want to be cold..i don't want to be hurtful...I dont want the memories of me filled with pain and anguish..I want to live my life and be happy, and i want that for everyone else too..So i'll just keep trying.. i'll keep hoping, and maybe, just maybe, i'll find the happiness im looking for..and so will you..