Thoughts of a College Student.

we go from sitting in elementary school, having dreams about being an astronaut or a firefigher, waitng for the next pokemon card, or polly pocket, or lego set to come out..
thinking girls have cooties, and boys are disgusting.
to graduating high school, looking our future dead in the face, and just knowing that its up to us..
knowing that everything that happens now is the result of what we create, that everything we do matters tenfold now than what it used to..
so that at the end of the day, once we live this life out, we look back on it, and find out just who we really are..

Searching.

 Am i going to post this, or not. I havent decided yet. It has to do
with my own insecurities, I am sure, but why i persist to find answers
for who i am, is the greatest question i face. Am i not content with
just accepting who i am, reguardless of the reason, or am i trying to
make explanation for explanation so i can organize and decipher what
makes up me. Do i really want to be able to divide myself into parts,
making split personalities, to maybe make my life something that it
isn't. What is it. I hope that in writing this, i have a little more
clarity.



Kalen. Mike. Kei. Micheal. All these are names that i am known by now.



Psychology. Science. Philosophy. Stupidity. All these are things that i am known for by now.



Pride. Deception. Hurt. Stubbornness. Romance. Perversion. Humor. Intelligence. All these are what people around me see by now.



I feel none at the same time, yet somehow, they are all felt in every
action. albeit in regret of not following it, or in pride of doing so.



My thought process changes during different situations, allowing me to
think completely different than i was before, having new thoughts,
idea's, and words, that i didn't have previously. Who is who..i wish i
knew..but here is a letter i write to myself. All of myself.



Kalen, You are our body. You are the kid. Everything we do reflects
back onto you. You are the figurehead for our existence, and what
everyone knows us by. You are..Romance.. you want to be simple, but
happy, in love, without thought, not caring about the world, just
whosoever is lucky enough to have your heart, and give theirs back to
you. It is your Scientific mind that created us, and that allows us to
travel back and forth inside of you. In the end, you have the most
sincere goal of all of us. And we hope that one day we can make your
goal come to pass. We all know what it feels like to Live a dream. You
showed us that in Tokyo. You deserve to live your dreams, and in the
end, We hope that it happens for you. When you grow up, I think we will
be gone, so when that happens, we hope we have helped to create a life
that you are content with.



Mike, You are the perv. We know it. It started back in 6th grade. You
are the pleasure being of our nature. B Smart though, using what Kalen
knows and feels to try to increase that stimulus. It sucks that through
the rest of us, it is harder for you to feel that stimulus, by us
making things more complicated. Sorry. If things wouldn't have gotten
hard on Kalen, then you wouldn't have had to suffer for it. You have
been with him the longest, so you know more. I know you aren't the
smartest, letting your sexual nature cloud your judgement, often
leading you blind to follow, but at least you try. As soon as its over,
you turn into just the right one of us, the one who's heart is always
in the right place.



Kei, You are trying to regain the normality in society that we have lost and long for. An
admirable thing to do. I know that you feel more pride, pain, and sorrow. than the rest of
us, but by the same token, you are more down to earth, unblinded by
whatever comes across you, seeing the world for just what it is, not
following anything, just doing it your way. You are trying to save
Kalen heartache, and we are glad that you do. We also know that you are
the drinker. Its not something we complain about, but dont do it too
often. We set up the four rules to protect us, but lately it seems you
are slipping just a little. Take care of us. You seem to be the day to
day decision maker, so please, dont lead us down the wrong path..We
also know that you are the philosopher. Its you who takes a step back
to see the world around you, and its interactions, not just the choice
to be made, or to cut yourself off from it. With you, we found poetry,
and the way to express ourselves. You help us understand why the choice
is, not so much the choice to make, So that in the end, we feel secure
and at peace with our decision. But you need to do it more often. Work
with Mike, so that the pleasures we feel dont just fade when its
over..You need to help us be able to fall in love. Its so hard, but we
all know that its one of the things that Kalen really wants...



Micheal, The Psychologist..The housing for the Scientist. Your
analytical mind is overwhelming at times, giving you an almost cold
outlook at any given situation, seeing it as only such. Purely
situational, an objective overview. You see what isn' blinded, but also
what is intelligent. You aren't very fun, thats for sure, but when it
comes to the correct course of action, we know that you are the one to
turn to. With your Psychology, You can tap into anyone's feelings, and
help them in ways that they cant see. It's you that we are the most
proud to have been able to create by mixing ourselves. Without your
intelligence, we wouldn't be able to help people as we do. So thank
you..Not only are you a scientist, but because of you, and the way you
think when you mix with the others.. When you mix with Kalen, you
become a doctor..when you mix with Kei, a poet. With Mike, you
understand how Sexuality is a part of someones being, not just a
naughty thing that comes and goes.



Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart..and please, take care of
me. Help me become the man that i want to be. That i need to be to make
all of my dreams come true. To make me feel all of the ways that i want
to feel...

A stab in the dark.

   With this one, im not really sure what to say, because in all honesty, while i still have hope for the future, its the unknown now that i feel is slipping past me..

    I look up, and tall buildings with streetlights keeping me from seeing the starts I long to see. The wind and temperature are hidden behind thick walls and windows, masked by air conditioning and doors. It feels like I am losing a connection I had with the world around me, and because of that, things feel a little more lonely, a little more isolated. I try to lose myself in the graphics and stories of the things i love most, but reading them only starts to hurt after a while, because i realize that i cant have them myself. A pair of arms around my shoulders, a glad to see me kiss on my cheek, or a hug to be the first of hundreds, just to say that "I'm here". A smile just for me... A smile I can't see.. So what is it that i want, reassurance? What is it that i need? Someone to prove to me that they care about me? who knows. I want..a life where i dont have to look back...a life where i can smile, and most importantly, a life where someone is smiling back at me..

What i know now.

As most of you well know, i recently went on a trip overseas. I saw alot of things, met some really different people, all the while, gaining a bigger perspective on my own life, where i live, and how i live, as well as the things that i take for granted. Like toilet seats.


But apart from that, i got to take a glimpse of the future, and see the man that i could become. I saw what i wanted to be. I had peace of mind, i wasn't worrying about everything, and i could pull off some pretty amazing things. No matter what i did, i was happy with it, even when things were bad. I found out that in the future, i can be this smooth romantic guy, who isn't preoccupied with pleasing someone else, so much as just having a great memorable time together. Luckily, i was able to bring something back with me. a little piece of wisdom from my future self.


Memories are a beautiful thing..But they are only pictures of moments in time. You can create them even if they dont exist, and the most beautiful memories can be tainted by bad feelings.. But dont allow yourself to live in your memories. Make your own, and help make others, giving everyone around you a smile they can feel themselves making whenever they think of you. Memories serve a purpose..They remind us that no matter how bad times get, they aren't always bad. Memories are proof that good things exist in this world, no matter how much we lose sight of it, they are still there, waiting for the time when we can look upon them once again and smile, then take a step out into the world, and create another.

Flames

Flames cascade and rise high, walls of crimson and orange touching the sky. Surrounded by hundreds of evil creations, The flames break, showing two eyes, just as intense as the fire, as The Fox with Wings slowly walks into the face of his hatred. Knowing My enemy to my front, and the flames behind me, i scream to the sky, and rush head first into the heart, tearing an ripping, fighting with all that i am, ignoring the cuts and stabs, the mind-numbing pain, and the blood running off of me. One goes down, then another, then ten, then fifty. Breathing hard, barely standing, I see the bodies of evil, and a wave of relief falls over me. Suddenly a blinding white flashes before my eyes, making me jerk my head backward to see a sword through my chest...Before i can strike, the entity dissapears, and my vision blurrs. It is finally too much to take..and my legs fall before me. I feel the blood-soaked fur on me, and so many feathers around me, that my wings look bare..Its too much..and as my vision fades to black, i wonder if it was enough...Will i wake up..Or will this dream keep going...

in this absence of decision and direction, wandering isn't such a bad thing. through wandering, we can make some of the biggest discoveries in our lives...Who we are, is a constant change.Why we are, even more so. But What is in our heart..is the stone wall in which we build our kingdom..in which we house our children, and shelter our friends..Dont be afraid if a few stones crumble and fall, when you are lost without a way to go, because your wall, is the the strongest part of you..the most true part...the part that never ends..

Alone

Walking under the Star-covered abyss that is our night, alone, feeling broken and beaten, i fall to my knees. As tears stream down my cheeks, i scream to the night, i slam my fist to the ground, demanding answers that will never come, feeling cold darkness consume the every space around me..Lip quiver and body tremble, i try to rise, only to find that i am defeated..Collapsing on the ground, i begin to accept the fate that seems inevitable, yet unfair. With a flash of lighting, I see an image of a Fox with Wings staring at me through the darkness, with deep dark eyes that peer into my soul. As the lighting fades, so do i..fading into the dark..

.I open my eyes..but i find...im no longer the person i recognize...but i feel the same..I am not a who...now I feel it..I feel the fur across my skin...and the feathers across my back..I Am a Fox...A Fox...With Wings...

Unknown

Sitting in an ordinary place, thinking extraordinary thoughts, my world becomes unclear and distorted, swirled and blurred, so much so that i lose all sense of time and space, falling prey to my own creation. I just so happen to find, that before me, is a cloud, and inside the cloud, i see...i see a man who is grown, holding the hand of a girl who is not, eyes locked, smiles beaming. She looks like him, tan skin, dark hair, with dark brown fox eyes, and a sideways smirk that can reassure anyone. She lets go of his hand, and faces me..walking closer, until she is right in front of me, with her palm out. "Daddy...I know that things get tough..But it will get better...I know what you want...and we both know you wont stop until you get it..so keep going...Keep chasing after it dad...You will be the best...and your family will love you for it...and you..will be...so proud...I love you dad...so don't give up...keep growing..and come back to me one day...." I feel a finger against my cheek, and a smirky-smile look back at me, as the clouds start to swirl, and the image fades..Is this a dream? Could it be a glimpse into my future..Or is it just the aching wish of my own heart. In the back of my mind, i hear a phrase.."One can't rush these things...but until then..until your heart is given..until your heart is got...you have to Keep Moving Forward..". Instead if watching..i let myself step back, a faded image lasting long after the cloud has vanished. Slowly the world stops spinning, and the world becomes sharper. I open my eyes to find a world that i have long been in, but something is different..I look around, and nothing has changed. I listen..and nothing sounds out of place..yet something is different. I see a reflective mirror..and i know what has changed. Myself. Not my looks, or my clothes..but my eyes..I see something in them that i have not seen..I see my eyes looking back at me...But i see more than just my own...

Worlds

Inside of the focused world i find myself wandering in, I am the focal point..I know everyone has their own world, their revolution...any of which they are the star..But in my own. i am a prisoner to the orbiting moon, gazing a cold stare down , casting a shadow upon my soul...No matter how central, now intricate i am in my world, it seems that i am just a tool to lesser bodies in my world. I am bigger in my world. I am stronger in my world. Yet afraid to disturb the balance, to shift the balance of power, i let myself fall to the whim of the moon, only to slowly notice that i myself, am becoming darker..starting to find my own stare back at the moon, and i feel it. At first, a small rumble..then a shake..then the moon is a little further away, its gravity thrown off, and i am slowly starting to control its orbit...Is this what i need to become? Do i need to control the balance, instead of letting it be controlled by another...

Story

A Fox god roams high above his forest home, gliding across twilight and stardust, taking freedom by his side, and passion in his eyes. Noticing a small, commonly insignificant and overlooked Starling struggling to stay in flight, He jumps down and catches the small bird on his back, taking him back to his moonlight-bathed home. "Why do you struggle to fly?" the Ignorant Fox asks. "I struggle, because i was hurt by the other birds, and i did not wish to fight them." the bird replies, showing the fox her missing feathers, lightly dribbled in blood. "Why did you not fight?" The fox asked, intrigued. "Because i was protecting something.." The Starling quietly said, on the verge of little Starling tears., as she moved her other wing, revealing a small, featherless chic, just born. "you see, my chick hatched too soon, and the other birds tried to kill him..and i fear that they may have..." no longer able to speak, the Starling begins to sob uncontrollably. The fox, looks down at this chick, and silently, feels his heart ache and wrench, just as the mothers is, as he whispers to the mother. "This chick is so very special...i can feel it...and it saddens me that he is just recently passed....however....i can save him...Is this what you want?". Quietly, try as she might, only manages to chirp out a sob-ridden "Yes" before losing all restraint, crying uncontrollably. "Then i will do so," Said the Fox. "I will do so, but he will not be your Chick anymore...I will give him new life in my stead, with wings that will enable him to fly higher than any bird, legs faster than any cheetah, and your heart....He will be your Kit...". With a smile, The Fox layed around the breathless chick, encompassing them both. "With my last breath, i give you your first...You were born a Chick...but destiny chose you to live as a Fox...You have great power, and even greater potential....But with you're mothers heart, i hope you can choose a path to reach your dreams, in this vicious world...if anyone...You can....You......My Kit....". With a flash of light, the Baby fox's lungs expand, taking its first breath. The mother Looks down at her child no longer a bird, yet, not just a fox...With a deep bow, she looks toward the moon wiping her tears, thanking the Fox for his selfless act, then looks back at her son. The blessed. The living. The Fox with wings...

Inner process

What am i? Who have i become? What is a facade, and what is genuine? Whats is to become, and what has yet to be seen?

Answers fleet like newborn fawn, disappearing just as quick as they appeared. So i wonder. maybe the answer isn't what is the most important. Fawn can run, however, no matter where they run, they are still on the earth where their feet rest. So maybe my answers, aren't something i can grasp, but only try to explain, to form an abstract explanation, instead of a definite one. Time changes, and a hard definition only lasts for the second it is read. after that, it is no longer accurate. Atoms have shifted, Molecules have Augmented. And who we are, is already different. Maybe my answers are impossible to find, so what am i left to do? Form clouds of what anything could be, with plenty of space, so it can be ever changed, and augmented, yet never lost.

Speed.

Believe. Grab onto a hope, a dream, a feeling, and hold onto it tight. Run with it clutched into your chest, and let it fuel you. run faster and faster, untill you're moving so fast with your goal that the bad around it just cant hold onto you anymore. Run faster than the speed of sound, and when the bad things in life start to catch up, hold on tight and run even faster! let your hopes guide you, let your dreams inspire you, and let your feelings be you...Run faster and longer, and one day, you'll find yourself in the most beautiful place in the world....

Hope's Dreams

Hope! hope is the reason why people do amazing things, so why is it so hard for people to see the answers to their problems, and lose faith in themselves and the world around them. But just think..Lives have been saved because of hope. Wars have been won. Lost children have been found...and its all because of hope.. Your hope is your catalyst for your drive. How hopeful you are, is a measure of your determination. People who are determined, and who wont give up, they can do things nobody thinks they can, even themselves. Hope is never gone, no matter how gloomy or dark the sky may seem. Even in pitch black, there is light, but sometimes, its just harder to see. We all can do amazing things, things that others dream about, things that people haven't even thought of, because its in our hearts...Don't lose your hope, no matter how bad things seem. Your hope has faith in you. So you should too...

Mindsight

Sitting on a grassy field, staring blankly into the summer sky, mouth ajar and breathing slowed. Behind, a Tornado twisting sideways and across, furious and consuming, compressing all inside it into an intangible swirl of thought and feeling. So much space, yet it's compacted into one vicious object. What's the key to subsiding this twister. What is the medium to slow down this shrill wind, so they can be beautiful gentle clouds that everyone can see, once again...

Satisfaction.

Why is life relentless in its persuit to let one have what it is they desire so badly? Is it all just a test of faith and willpower? why do we have to prove ourselves to some higher being that we are willing to suffer to get what it is that drives our hearts and our minds crazy...It can hurt so badly..make your mind pull itself apart in confusion, and make your heart writhe and beat off-rhythm because of your heartache and inner turmoil. Why is suffering so important to achieving your hearts desire...What if one of your dreams were love? We suffer for our dreams so much.. but love is what keeps us going..what if Love is what you dream..what is supposed to keep you going then...Standing in a dark hallway, looking down into the abyss. How am i supposed to find the will to keep going into the cold, dark night..My person is hope..My mind is desire.. My heart is love. My dreams are......

Thoughts.

Maybe its a theory, maybe its a philosophy, im not quite sure, but if a person misses something enough, is it possible for their mind to bring it back? Maybe not distoring their world, or letting their mind leve the realities of this world to exist in a fantasy, but more like...remembering the touch, the pressure on their skin, or maybe even the wind of a breath near their skin. The theory is, or maybe its the philosophy, that if you want something that you miss bad enough, its never really gone, because its always in your heart. So maybe that means that because its in your heart, its possible to feel it again if you really desire it so much..it might not be in the outside world that you feel it, but possibly a mental recreation of what you wish for so dearly..maybe thats how love-sick lovers keep going after their heart is broken, or strong bonded mothers/sons who were forced apart, just as long, as their hearts speak true, and they truly want to be together again....

The outcome

After trial after trial, due to a technicality, the experiment wasn't completed to the expected outcome. Fell short i'm afraid. Morally, the experiment did not fail, because no flirting took place, and no outward interaction was made. The information gained was that if you take out a big constant in one's life, one can see things a little more for what they are, and just as much, can listen to themselves a little more, and find out some things that they might not have known before. Let me get personal for a moment. In my experiment, i learned that i still can say no, and that control of my life and actions still rests in my own choices. For a while i started to fear that i couldn't control my actions anymore... so in this experiment, i found a newfound will within myself, and it helps me find myself a little better...

The Experiment.

So here is a test in altercation of one's natural philosophy. The hypothesis: take away one of the most common occurences in one's life, and that person will be able to see more of themself, because they have room to think, and not actively take part in a time consuming occurence. The specifics: A simple test of no flirting with women for 5 days. The variable: My own will to succeed. The outcome: Pending. . .

The begining.

Well, Here is where it is, allow me to introduce myself. I am Philosophy's Philanthropist, and you'll see where i go.